George W., when asked to speak,
Does not come off like a geek,
But his frequent word-schisms
And malapropisms,
Confirm he’s linguistically weak. The high-tech stocks are still falling,
And the others are taking a mauling.
But Dub-ya's tax cut
Might get us out of this rut,
If the Democrats would only stop stalling. John Kerry never lets us forget
How he paid his Vietnam debt,
But those medals he flung
As the protesters sung
Belonged to some other poor vet.
Kerry stuck it to every war vet...
Testified before Congress and yet,
Now he panders their votes
As he slyly denotes,
“How quickly these voters forget!” John Kerry’s now locked up the spot
That several Dems wished they had got.
But now it gets tough…
Bush won’t stand for his guff!
The campaign’s about to get hot! Kerry’s played his Silver Star card
But proving he earned it’s been hard,
‘Cause somebody urged
That his website be purged
While they impugn the National Guard. Senator Clinton for Veep? Au contraire!
John Kerry surely won’t dare!
For we know in advance
It’s the President’s pants
That Hillary C. wants to wear. John Edwards is now in the race,
And is known to set quite a pace.
But how will he do
When there’s no one to sue,
And nary an ambulance to chase? Senator Edwards did not advance,
Though many folks gave him a chance.
Now it’s back to the courts;
Stop reforming the torts…
He’ll chase down a new ambulance. Kucinich and Sharpton are still in it
With not much chance that they’ll win it.
But if Edwards or Kerry
Should win and be merry…
They could take a shot at the Senate. When Dennis Kucinich appeared,
A prospective voter once sneered,
“With that ‘hang-dog’ face,
You’re well in first place
In the race to be the Most Weird.” After Super Tuesday’s Primary swing
John Edwards did his withdrawal thing
Sharpton and Kucinich
Vow a fight to the finish
Why can’t they hear the fat lady sing? McAuliffe and Kerry both say
That W’s National Guard stay
Was the easy way out,
But they’ve forgotten about
Those serving in Baghdad today. Our troops in ‘Nam were assailed
By Kerry and Jane Fonda who railed,
But he’ll turn a new leaf
As Commander in Chief
And support all those GIs he failed. When Dean got the backing of Gore
They seemed an unstoppable corps.
But now everyone laughs
At the antics and gaffs…
Of two losers still proving they’re sore. Said Dean to Gore, of his slate.
“With all your support, I’ll do great!”
But there was also no panic
Aboard the Titanic…
And they suffered a similar fate. Gore’s support of Dean was unchanged,
Though later they both seem deranged.
But aboard the Titanic,
There was also no panic
While the deck chairs were being arranged. Dean was on top and not lacking,
Then Gore gave Howard his backing.
Now both of them claim
That the press was to blame
For sending the good doctor packing. Now it’s Senator Kerry’s turn
To be vexed by a former intern
Will he be like “Slick Willy”
And trash the poor filly?
Or admit it and then crash and burn? Jane Fonda and John Kerry were in
On Hanoi’s propaganda spin.
So they trashed our GIs
Right in front of our eyes
And now brag of how loyal they’ve been. John Kerry and Hanoi Jane
Made their stand on ‘Nam very plain:
Our GIs were thugs…
Deserving no hugs,
But both felt Ho Chi Minh’s pain. Hoping somehow to create
A latter day Bush Enron-gate,
Senator Hollings, et al
Forget ‘twas Clinton, their pal,
Set the Lincoln bedroom rate. In Enron, the Dems hoped for fame
By giving the Bush team the blame.
But the only connection
Was before the election,
When Clinton was running his game. The election saw Hillary win it:
A seat in the U.S. Senate.
Still, there’s constant disparage
Of her dysfunctional marriage,
And will she keep Slick Willy in it? Bill and Hillary, and Hugh:
The White House Pardoning Crew.
All three made their bucks,
Then Bill said, “Aw shucks,
It’s something all Presidents do.” President Clinton neglected
To see how his pardons reflected
Any quid pro quos,
But then everyone knows,
That kickbacks were not unexpected. The dubious pardon of Marc Rich
Was the result of a high-level glitch,
Or was it only Slick Willy
The Ozark hillbilly…
Proving he's really a sonovabitch?. Bill Clinton's a political blight,
Who constantly seeks the spotlight,
And his pardoning shame,
Emphasizes his game:
"Whatever I want late at night." Said Hillary, "Why all the rifts,
About pardoning some of these stiffs?
Bill, Roger, or Hugh,
Can explain it to you,
While I'm selling these White House gifts." She escaped the Arkansas squalor,
Now she’s making New Yorkers all holler,
Since she got the itch
To live like Ms. Rich,
Hillary’s office is costing top dollar. New Senator Hillary leased
A very posh office back East.
‘Said, “I realize it’s pork,
But these sheep in New York
Will quickly forget they’ve been fleeced.” Hillary, the Senator with swagger,
Stabbed New York in the purse with a dagger,
When the lease that she made,
Doubled what others paid,
‘Said, “I’m simply no cheap carpetbagger.” Strom Thurmond’s ready to wave
Goodbye to a career that he gave
'Cause he drools and he dozes,
And is older than Moses
With one foot now deep in the grave. Not since the opening primary,
Has McCain’s refrain seemed to vary…..
Campaign finance reform,
Though still not the norm,
But for some politicians, it’s scary. Everything is thrown into a spin --
‘Cause the census figures are in,
With black families buying,
In suburbs outlying,
How can the gerrymanderers win? For too long, the market’s gone slack.
Most blame it on the terrorists’ attack.
Analysts are now hintin’
Though it started with Clinton,
That Bush’ll bring the bull and bear back. Tom Ridge, the Czar of Homeland…
A title that sounds just grand,
But what kind of role
Can he play as the sole
Member of his own one-man band? Colin, we hardly know you’re around…
We see you, but you make no sound.
Is it W’s muzzle,
Or some Chinese puzzle,
That keeps you in the background? John Ashcroft says, “Cover it up!”
(That statue that shows her “C” cup.)
If he’s so much a prude
About things in the nude…
As an infant, on what did he sup? General Wesley Clark was aghast
That his candidacy did not last.
But there's so little call
For a know it all,
No wonder he's a thing of the past. Some Dems simply doubted the fact.
Saddam’s capture had all been an act.
Bush had stashed him away
Until just the right day.
Has Usama bin also side-tracked? Bush’s Charlotte trip had but one goal -
It’s not one that shows up in a poll.
It’s not the “Evil Axis”
Or withholding taxes…
‘Twas helping elect Liddy Dole. With the way that they frequently grouse,
Two Speakers in the Carolina House
Will cause us to balk
At twice double-talk
Whenever they open their mouths. Nader’s hat’s tossed into the ring.
To the Dems, it’s a vanity fling.
But two Georges grin
‘Cause he’ll help the Prez win,
Like he did in the two thousand thing. For his running mate, Kerry might pick
A certain gay Senator “chick”
Or maybe someone
Who was just having fun
While swimming at Chappaquidick. Ted Kennedy just can’t seem to kick
A recurring theme destined to stick
It’s not his potbelly,
But something more smelly…
His actions at Chappaquidick! | John Kerry and his biggest fan,
Ted’s stomach that walks like a man,
Now run a campaign
Of deceit and disdain --
A typical liberal plan! The Saudis – our Mid-East ally --
Say, “On us, you can always rely.”
Right!…We toe the line
While you wail and whine,
And raise prices on oil that we buy. Iran says its trying much harder
But find they have little to barter.
They had their best shot,
But they’ve no longer got
The hostages they took under Carter. The safety of Turkey’s no lock…
Now that some NATO members would block
Their request to defend
‘Gainst their Iraqi friend.
And it comes as a bit of a shock. Two Europes: One new and one old.
Rumsfeld doesn’t know which to scold.
The new one is hateful
And the old is ungrateful
But they’ll both take our money, we’re told. Aristide, Jesse Jackson is blurtin’,
Was kidnapped, and of this, he’s certain.
But he’s now in exile
On his yacht on the Nile…
One can say that he’s not really hurtin’! In Haiti, the flames are now fanned
As Aristide’s supporters demand...
The Prez’s return,
Or it’s burn, baby, burn…
And our U.S. Marines are out-manned. Jesse Jackson’s a familiar sight
As he screams long and loud day and night.
He blames the U.S.
For the whole Haitian mess,
But everyone knows he’s not “right.” Aristide was sent to exile
Or kidnapped, as some would revile.
Who would dare place such blame?
Jesse Jackson’s his name,
At the bottom of the Haitian “wood pile.” Some outsiders have blamed voodoo,
The UN asks what can we do?
Aristide’s in exile
Somewhere near the Nile…
Who’s guarding the Haitian zoo?
The al Qaeda detainees, some say,
Are suffering at Guantanamo Bay.
Yet their poor Afghan brothers,
When asked of their druthers,
Say, “I pray to get sent there one day!” A bomb hid away in his shoes
Was the suicide mission he’d choose.
It was easy, he’d bet,
To bring down a big jet,
But his sweaty feet put out the fuse. John Walker, the Islamic convert,
Once covered with al Qaeda dirt,
Now wants to come clean…
Says he didn’t mean
To be fitted for a turncoat’s shirt. John Walker, the al Qaeda grunt,
When sent to the Afghani front,
In but his first fight,
Was captured that night…
Said, “I’m just on a spiritual hunt.” More like party night at the Lodge,
Was that Kabul airport hodge-podge.
An Afghan official was slain
By Muslims awaiting their plane
To take them on a peaceful Haj. Airport security’s been tightened.
Since September, our fears have been heightened.
But the guards are the same –
Some can’t spell their own name…
Hijacker or not – we’re still frightened! The federal law promised anew
A changed Airport security crew,
But the same guards today
Seem more qualified to say,
“Do you want french fries with that too?” The Red Cross’s bosses now hint
WTC donations were meant
Not just to help others
Like widowed young mothers
But mainly to pay their own rent. Donations to United Way
For victims of that fateful day
Have been so diluted
And skimmed off and looted
That charity just doesn’t pay. Ted Turner’s remarks were inane
Concerning America’s pain.
But was it really his scoff
Or did it merely rub off
From his marriage to Hanoi Jane? Usama bin Laden’s hideout
In some Afghan cave’s still in doubt.
Is he in Pakistan,
According to plan,
Or has Usama bin finally wiped out? Sheikh Ahmed Hassin, one night,
Was in an Israeli bombsight.
Then a heat-seeking rocket
Went “BOOM” in his pocket…
He no longer resembles Bob Knight! A veteran terror machine,
Hamas’ Sheikh Ahmed Hassin,
Who heard not the whistle
Of the Israeli missile,
And was blown into bits of protein. A “Spiritual Leader?” Yeah… Right!
‘Met Allah in Gaza one night,
When an Israeli rocket
Went “BOOM” in his pocket
And martyred him clear outta sight! Defense Department lawyers agree…
There’s no reason he shouldn’t go free.
Sneaking prisoners desert
Produces no hurt.
There’s no charges against Chaplain Yee. The Arabs have struck a new blow.
Hamas and the old P.L. “Low”
Strap bombs on young boys,
Then tell ‘em they’re toys…
Their tactics must make Allah glow. When Bush first mentioned the “Axis,”
He wasn’t just glossin’ like wax is.
The message? Instruction:
“To erase mass destruction,
The world must know what the facts is!” Our war with Iraq was the Mom,
The Mother of Wars, said Saddam.
But somehow he still thrives
Like the cat with nine lives…
What we need is a smarter smart bomb! Who knew Bush would cause an upheaval
When he used the term “Axis of Evil”?
Still don’t get his drift?
Try these words of short shrift:
“They’re cotton and we are the weevil!” The Iraqis are up to their tricks
And the Germans and France say “Nix, nix.”
They steady delay
The U.S. of A.
And leave the last word to Hans Blix. Should Iraq “get out of jail, free?”
Chirac simply answers “Oui, oui.”
And Schroeder say, “Ya!”
While Saddam says “Ha ha!”
But both Bush and Blair disagree. The French and the Germans both uttered
“Bush’s Iraqi logic is cluttered.”
Still it’s a good bet
That they’ll both forget
On which side their bread has been buttered. “Saddam,” say the Germans and French,
“Is not such a terrible Grinch.”
And though so inclined
Perhaps slipped their minds…
‘Twas the Yanks in that World War Two trench. Said Iraqi Saddam Hussein:
"These allied attacks are a pain."
Still, he crossed no-fly zones,
Then screamed to his clones:
"These smart-bombs are falling like rain!" The Germans and French both say,
“Us help with Iraq? No way!”
Behind all their sass
They forget ‘twas their ass
That was saved by the U.S. of A. Our troops in the Mideast all care
About learning the culture while there.
‘Found their biggest hoot
Was the Iraqi salute…
(Both hands held high in the air). The Axis of Evil’s turned mum
Since Bush said the time has now come
For all three rogue nations
To improve their relations
And forget about uranium. Our President is in the Far East
Building support at every state feast.
Seems his “Axis” perception
Gets him warm reception…
They’re agreeing with him at the least. Found hiding in a deep hole
By American troops on patrol.
He was hidden so well
That most could not tell
Saddam from an Iraqi mole. The connection was thought triv-i-al…
That al-Qaida could be Saddam’s pal.
But if this is true
How is one to construe
al-Zarqawi and abu-Nidal? An interim Iraq constitution
Is not the end-all solution.
Besides a cease-fire,
What they most desire
Is a permanent instant-tution. So-so athletes who can't afford socks
Ink mega-buck, multi-year blocs,
Then when they learn
What their famous peers earn,
Still whine that they're underpaid jocks. Winning Daytona was sweet,
And the Prez being there was a treat,
But what made it so great
For car number eight
Was Big E in the passenger seat. He heard the roar of the crowd
Although his Chevy was loud.
When his Daytona win
Finally sunk in
He knew that Big E would be proud. The Canadian skaters were set
To win the gold medal, most bet.
But after the judges,
With their winks and nudges…
The shaft’s all that they’re gonna get. The French judge said she acted alone,
As her vote made the skating crowd groan.
But as for purging the judge,
The IOC’ll never budge…
They always take care of their own.
| The deal ‘tween the judges was sweet --
They’d barely have to compete.
When Russia took pairs skating gold,
The French ice dancers were told:
“The quid pro quo now’s complete!” After numerous bumps, spills, and nudges,
The Olympic competition now trudges
Toward a merciful halt,
And we’ve learned but one salt…
There’s no sense of fair play ‘tween the judges. The IOC needs a major face lift.
(Judges’ decisions not too swift!)
Poor rulings and marks
Set off too many sparks…
Their sense of fair play’s gone adrift. A boxing match devoid of rage
Mike Tyson is trying to stage.
Though he claims he’s a fighter,
He’s been more of a biter…
Is it safe to let him out of his cage? Steinbrenner, The Boss, is so rich
That he spent mega-bucks just to switch
A Yankee line-up
Florida beat like a pup…
Too bad that A-Rod does not pitch. The Confederate flag continues to fly…
“Please don’t boycott us,” the whites all cry.
Still, the blacks stay away,
Causing some folks to say,
“Aren’t those South Carolinians sly?” Cameras for speeders are neat
And cheaper than cops on the street
But they make little sense
With gridlock so intense
That speeding’s almost obsolete. The Observer’s unstated mission
Enhances the liberal position…
Limericks with a right lean
Or liberals demean
Will not be in Monday’s edition. The incumbents spend budgeted dough
As if taxpayers ain’t gonna know.
When it comes to light rail,
Dense thinkers prevail…
Re-elect Larry, Curly, and Moe! Ex-Enron CEO Kenneth Lay,
After stuffing his pockets with pay,
Was called ‘fore the Senate,
But with creditors in it,
Said, “The Fifth’s all that I have to say!” Queen Elizabeth, regal and snooty,
Bestowed Knighthood to honor his duty,
But when he returns to our soil,
Though we’ll still treat him royal,
He’ll simply be known as our Rudy. Alan Sorkin, producer of the “West Wing”
Sought the real White House staff for his thing.
Bush said, “No way --
There’s a war on today!
Are you crazy or on a drug-induced fling?” A National Enquirer edition
Examined the Rainbow Coalition
They found tax records show
That the good Reverend’s ‘ho’
Had been paid for a phantom position. Puff Daddy, the notorious rapper,
Pled innocent and looked very dapper.
Still…the witnesses all say,
That he was packin' that day --
His career might be right down the crapper. When her insider trading failed
Her young stockbroker bailed -
‘Sang like a finch,
Catching her in a pinch…
Martha Stewart soon could be jailed. With her Imclone stock safely shed,
Martha thought she would not lose much bread,
But her broker went squealing
To feds ‘bout her dealing...
She could have a jail term to dread! She could turn out a mighty fine mousse.
Huge profits her stocks could produce.
But making a puree
Did not sway the jury…
Now Martha has cooked her own goose. Don’t know why everyone’s in a snit
It was only a musical bit
If they had not rehearsed
We’d have seen even worse
Than Janet Jackson’s bare tit. Janet’s bare boob was the shot
That got most of the FCC hot.
But the whole halftime gig
Was not worth a fig…
‘Cause clean entertainment it’s not! As a means of controlling one’s weight,
Most say Atkins’ diet is great!
But it came as a blow
To finally know
The doctor weighed two-fifty-eight. Michael Jackson is not known for balking
At surgery plastique or moon-walking.
But his interviews show
What we already know -
He should let his feet do his talking. TV might show Jacko’s trial
When there’s no more motions to file.
Then, won’t it be swell
To see him in a cell?
A place fit for a weird pedophile! Athiest Madeline Murray-O'Hair
Gained fame for opposing school prayer.
Now someone has killed her,
And then roto-tilled her.
Do you think any Christian should care? A limerick verse, thought he,
Was the easiest of all poetry,
So he sat down to write,
But was up half the night,
And came up with just what you see. The poor, grieving Japanese
Want the Ehime Maru from the seas.
But let's tell the "Nips,"
"We'll salvage your ships,
After you raise the Arizona, please." Reality programming’s the rage
And getting expensive to stage,
But wouldn’t it be great,
One night (not too late)
To see something befitting our age? Nevada’s the state with the flash --
Gambling, glitter, and cash.
‘Vegas neon we know,
Now Yucca Mountain might glow…
From all of that nuclear trash. Nevada’s not known for good taste --
They often do things there in haste.
Quicky wed or divorce,
Velvet paintings, of course…
And now they store nuclear waste. Cloning a cat’s not unkind --
But we know what’s first in their mind…
Their morality ceases
As lab work increases --
Can a human clone be far behind? A Georgia man perpetrated
A fraud not anticipated.
Now here’s the sick joke --
His incinerator broke…
And there’s hundreds that ain’t been cremated. In Georgia, the neighbors adjusted
To the smell since the Southern wind gusted.
Hundreds of corpses were found
Just layin’ around…
His incinerator and him are now busted. The polls say Fox News has the heft,
And it's made other networks bereft.
Yet a more balanced view
Is what Fox seeks to do,
While the others just read from the left. The judge’s decree wasn’t wordy…
“The diluting druggist was dirty,
And for all his ill will
Toward the terminally ill,
He’ll do seventeen and a half to thirty.”
Mr. Potato Head, one of the strangest creatures,
(That guy with interchangeable features)
Ain’t it so nifty -
He just turned fifty,
And still looks like all our old teachers? Jehovah’s Witnesses hope to prevail,
As the Supreme Court they regale…
“Don’t ban door to door --
Instead, please work for
A similar law banning junk mail!” Some mayors allow gays to be married
And the public outcry is not varied…
The vows the gays took
Defy the Good Book…
As God’s laws are widely miscarried! Marriage between the same sexes
Assumes a powerful nexus.
Will sister or brother
Soon wed one another?
Or maybe a longhorn from Texas? Early talk of Mel’s movie has been
On who or what did Jesus in.
But for all the outcry,
We Christians know why…
And point out He died for our sin. The Rover’s main tasks are double:
Take pictures and inspect the Mars rubble.
But its primary mission
Is to find a position
A spaceship can land without trouble. In France, they’ve developed a pill,
A drug made to bolster one’s will.
Curbs smoking and bingeing
But nothing’s impinging
On rudeness -- their national ill. It is said that men think with their phallus,
And while so engaged, seem too callous.
But while thinking so hard,
Dare one disregard
Levitra… Viagra… Cialis? Miss N. C. was never a prude
And her ex-beau took pix of her nude.
For something so sordid,
A judge then awarded
Eleven grand after she sued.
Ah, Spring… and the Canadian Goose!
A feathered machine so profuse…
They never stop
With that stuff they all drop,
And there’s no way to make them vamoose.
A tar heel judge, say reports,
Seeks to drop swearing-in from the courts.
Neither Bible nor God
Receive favored nod…
They’d just testify as “good sports.”
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